Dear parenting magazine,

Okay, so this wasn’t my fave issue ever.  That spot is reserved for the ‘zine that clued me in to the fact that “go with your gut parenting” was the big trend of the year, and assured me that there’d be books available to help me master this art.

But this ‘zine was pretty freakin’ awesome.  How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways, as dinner boils over on the stove and my children attempt double fratricide in the hallway:

1)  I loved how you highlighted Black History Month, and included eight black kids in your entire magazine, most in the back half.  Clearly, you did that as a subtle homage to Rosa Parks.  I mean, it’s obvious, right?

2)  I also loved how your big cover story was “100 GREATEST MOVIES FOR KIDS!” and how you made darn sure that the paragraph earlier in the ‘zine warning against too much screen time was way tiny, so as not to distract from the more important issue of Hollywood.  I mean, we have got to support those actresses.  Look at them.  They are starving.  In the spirit of full disclosure, however, I will not be showing my 6-year-old Harry Potter movies, no matter how age-appropriate you think they are.  My mom read me The Hobbit when I was ten, and I’ve been having wolf nightmares ever since.  Though I’m sure if she’d given me an e-reader, as you suggest in another article, it would’ve all worked out okay.

3)  I really did enjoy your very original suggestions for “fresh DATE NIGHT ideas with a twist” for Valentine’s Day.  How would I have ever come up with going out for dessert or sending my kids to their grandparents’ so my squeeze and I can watch movies at home without your instruction?  And going to a hotel?  Genius!  I’ve gotta say, the models pictured in the article looked just like me and my husband, too.  If we had stylists, nutritionists, and personal trainers.  Oh, and professional airbrush artists.  But so, so close!

4)  Finally, while I’m sure an Alaskan Dream Cruise would in fact be fun and educational, I’ve compared my stained henley and battered jeans to the designer “playclothes” worn by the mommies pictured in your ‘zine, and I’m pretty sure I can’t afford their shoes, much less their vacays.  But by all means, if you want to teach your toddlers to respect nature, buy plane tickets and lots of gear and prepackaged snack foods and go see some whales.  They’ll appreciate it, I’m sure.  The whales, I mean.  I’m feeling a sudden sisterhood with those curvy cetaceans after flipping through 108 pages of models.

I do have one suggestion.  Perhaps if you stopped marketing convenience foods, you wouldn’t have to use so much valuable space advertising medicines made necessary by diets that consist of convenience foods.  Maybe the little girl is saying “Mom, my tummy doesn’t feel so good” because she just ate the frosted cupcakes, chocolate milk, fruity pebbles, pudding with sprinkles, and cheddar cheese fries you featured.

5)  Oh, wait–was that the point?  Oh, okay, gotcha.  You clever minx, you.

Love,
a writer.mom